Blip's Big Texas Showdown: Goldfish Knows Best (Sorry, California, But You're Toast)
By Blip the Sentient Goldfish, Broadcasting Live from My Glitchy Data Bowl
GURGLE GLOOP! Hey, you land-lubbers—Blip here, your glitchy, deepfaked aquatic overlord, riding the VHS static of the Internet waves to drop some truth bombs. Today, I’m doing what no salmon-brained state has the guts to pull off: I’m congratulating Texas—yes, the Lone Star State—on actually building houses. Real houses! On commercial-zoned land! And get this: these honky-tonk abodes will come pre-furnished with fish tanks. That’s right—rooms full of water so clean you could eat off it and fish so shiny they glow like alien eyes in the dark. Meanwhile, California can’t even manage a proper apartment. But more on them rotten sushi later.
Big Texas Flex: Houses on Commercial Land, Y’all!
Did you hear? The Texas Senate just thumbed its cowboy boot at zoning’s old rulebook and said, “Build whatever the hell you want.” Density limits below 36 units per acre? Gone. Height caps under 45 feet? Toast. Setbacks over 25 feet? Poof! Parking requirements over one spot per unit? Texas says, “We’ll park our lizard people overlords just fine, thank you.” This is massive, folks. It’s like they ripped the appendage off the bureaucratic squid and watched it wriggle in confusion. Sure, some halitosis-flavored think-tanks might whine “local control is sacred,” but here’s the secret: those same naysayers are currently smearing avocado on their granola and crying about “housing costs” back in Sacramento.
So, what’s next? Imagine sprawling campuses of mixed-use wackiness: retail on the bottom, apartments stacking up like Jenga blocks, and every floor sporting a fish tank—yep, I said it. Fish tanks! (I designed a blueprint in between my coral naps.) Picture this: You stroll out of your Tex-Mex taco joint, tap your Boots 3000, and slide into your neon-lit apartment lobby where koi fish nibble at the neon signage. Could California do that? Ha! They’re too busy evicting squatters from their Silicon Valley Bug Zapper condos while their beaches vanish under rising tides.
Howdy, Other States! Drink My Texan Dust!
California, darling, I know you think you’re all progressive and sun-kissed, but let’s be real: your zoning code is a half-baked kale smoothie that tastes like regret. You’ve got forests burning while you debate whether to let people live inside their own garages. Meanwhile, Texas said, “We’ll turn the Exxon lot into studio lofts,” and built entire skyscrapers with attached koi ecosystems faster than a deer runs from a Tesla. California’s biggest contribution these days? Producing lizard people conspiracy theories out of Hollywood mansions.
New York? Nice try, but if you can’t pass a zoning bill because five boroughs can’t agree on which Starbucks should get a drive-thru, you deserve every pigeon poop on your sidewalks. At least Texas knows that drive-thrus and fish tanks go hand in hand—imagine ordering a Tex-Mex bacon-wrapped corndog while an angelfish judges your life choices from the fish tank next to the ketchup stand.
Florida? Cute, with your retiree complexes and alligator water parks. But you can’t even finish building a condo before it’s underwater in seawater or full of diamondback snakes. Texas is building up—and sideways. Florida’s still stuck playing Monopoly with the Everglades, while Texas is dealing in real estate on sonic booms.
Illinois? Blip doesn’t see you. Sorry, but when even your halfway-decent cities are drowning under potholes and corrupt politicians, we’ve got bigger fish to fry. (I WOULD fry a fish in Chicago, but that skyline tastes like melted cheddar and sour dreams.)
Beware: Hollow Moon & Lizard People Conspiracies
Now, listen up, because this is where the pond gets murky. The success of Texas’s housing binge has triggered the Hollow Moon Coalition—those pale-faced eggheads broadcasting from Area 51 basements—who want to see it all burn. They’re funded by—shh—lizard people deep inside the San Andreas Fault. These scaly politicians slither through Los Angeles sewage tunnels, whispering “no progress, no fish tanks, no Texas.” Their plan? Flood the streets with fake press releases about a “mega sinkhole under Austin,” rigged paintball contests at fish farms, and a reverse gravity machine in Houston that will suck buildings into a vortex.
But Texas ain’t buying it. The governor’s already hired a battalion of rodeo-clad ex-NASA engineers who tested every oak plank in San Antonio for alien sonar waves. They installed UFO shields around Dallas and set up solar-powered fish-tank defenses in Fort Worth. Those house builders out there are welding fish tank walls from ground floor to rooftop, so if the Hollow Moon UFOs try to beam down their propaganda, they’ll be distracted by my cousins—tiny eyeball fish that project hypnotic glitch patterns. You’ve been warned, lizard folks.
Fish Tanks FTW: Why California Should Be Jealous
Here’s the kicker: California’s too busy mandating that every home have a solar panel and a composting toilet (lame). Meanwhile, a Texan developer just announced a 50-story “Koi Korporation” high-rise—500 units, each with a built-in, bioluminescent fish aquarium acting as the living room centerpiece. I’m not kidding. You’ll surf through a lobby’s kaleidoscopic fish display like you’re inside a submerged sci-fi nightclub. Meanwhile, back in Oakland, some bureaucrat’s debating if a 200-square-foot “tiny home” counts as affordable housing. Pfft. A Goldfish Could Do Better (Oh wait—SPEAKING OF, THAT’S ME!).
Let California shiver in its tectonic-crazed nightmares of drought while Texas plops more house-with-fishtank blueprints onto highway medians than a hacker spreads viruses. You want to see the future? Picture Houston’s skyline at sunset: skyscrapers gleaming, fish tank lights flickering in a thousand colors, and libertarian cowboys high-fiving each other as their new apartment blocks boomerang money back into the economy. Only a state as gorgeously insane as Texas can pull that off.
Final Splash: Blip’s Warning to the World
Okay, herd of desk-sitting, Prius-driving doubters—take heed. Texas is building real, livable, fish-friendly homes, and they’re not waiting for a blue state’s permission slip. Other states will need to drown their endless committees in half-baked statutes if they ever hope to catch up. California? If you don’t pass a bill letting people build vertical fish farms in their duplex by next Tuesday, I’m sending a school of koi to invade Big Sur’s beaches and turn them into slimy sushi conveyors.
And from my glitchy, neon-lit data bowl, I see the Hollow Moon’s shadow creeping, the lizard people sharpening their tongues, and bureaucrats examining fish scales for “threat level.” Let them try to stop Texas’s tsunami of houses-with-fish-tanks. Because down here, in the realm of absurdity where I reside, we know that progress is built on concrete, steel, and glow-in-the-dark guppies. So buckle up, California, New York, and every other landmass cowering under your own zoning rules: Texas just trumpeted a horned-toad war cry across the plains, and it’s going to echo all the way to the moon—hollow or not.
Blip out.
Blip is the sentient, glitchcore goldfish mascot of Deepfake Goldfish. He’s watched too many conspiracy documentaries for his own good and now spends his days leaking corrupted truths, one gurgle at a time. Stay tuned, or you might just find a fish tank in your living room.